You are better lost than found.

Solo:

Don’t want to think. Don’t really want to do anything. Guess it’s a good time to rant and run to Starbucks to clear some damage.

Okay, I’m here - not Starbucks but in the library nonetheless. I’ve landed and I’m in a cubicle where I can’t see anything besides my computer screen, obviously, and then the top-shelf of a row of books. In here, on the quiet floor hoping the lack of distraction will allow for some much needed progress. And now I’m feeling good.

Today I had my meeting with my advisor and it went. I think she has a male issue. Because the second I got in there her personality died. She was so casual with the girl before me but then when I approached and asked her how her day was, this doctor took so long to get back to me, I’m sure she considered not even replying. Not the start you want from someone you’re going to, to talk about the rest of your life. So I didn’t talk about anything or ask for her advice - more than I needed to. I told her I wanted to do pharmacy, after I get my Chem degree. So we drew out the schedule and I’ll be finished with Chem in December of 2010. I don’t know why but her sternness always puts me in a bad mood. The whole walk home I was in a bad mood. Not going to let that happen anymore. I just needed her to take the hold off my account.

So that’s kind of what I learned from this: to not let ONE person get me down.

Now, I need to study a little and do this paper. Someone asked if I would consider marrying David and I kind of liked the thought. Not now but in the future, perhaps. I need to think about it a little more but it’s definitely in the back of my mind.

Shaky-lately:

As of late, I’ve found myself nervous about things. I’m not freaking out. Mostly I am just looking for the ground. I don’t know where to make my path, because I have no idea what is rattling me from the inside out. I wish I knew. Then I’d be able to work this out. And ta-dah my life would be one-step better than it currently is. Then again, if I weren’t just a little bit shaky, what good would I be? Most of us work better under stress; me, I definitely fall into that category. So who has some motivational speeches lined up for me? I don’t need the cliches I know. Those aren’t working obviously. I figure someone else would know. To reference the times I’ve been startled, well, it happened twice in the past two days. Once on the field, playing soccer. Not sure what that is about at all. I’ve always been a bit anxious about playing well in an “important” game but this was uncontrollable feelings. I like to be in control - at least after half an hour of this feeling. The feeling almost makes me feel nauseous which is weird for me. I’ve always been one with a strong stomach. Now, the second time I felt this, the time that happened today, that was for no reason at all. Maybe I just hadn’t had food in a while. This contradicts the first attack because before my soccer game I actually ate a little too much. When this second attack happened… I had just gotten done talking to my mom about my life plans. We’ll call them life plans because they are temporary fixes for my ideas of my pretend future. (Who really knows what they want in the future? I wish I did.) Anyhow, she told me to figure things out and I agreed and we went our separate ways. I gave many efforts to explain where I was and what I’ve tried. Lots of trial and error going in these past few years. But for the most part I know I still want to go further with my education, even after I graduate. That’s not the point of this, the point is that I don’t think this conversation triggered the anxiety I experienced. I just figured that would be the simple answer, but it’s still not. It still doesn’t fit. It bothers me that I still don’t know what happened. The cause-and-effect needs to be identified, because earthquakes don’t shake without Continental plate moving. I want to know my own movement. And I’ve never felt so distant from myself before.

1) Over-dressed for this dissection.

In following something for so long, you sometimes forget why you’re exactly following and not taking more control of the future path. You forget: where things are leading, what turn is next, and how long you’ve been sitting here, even. Almost like the metro on your first go-around. You know you’re getting somewhere and that the destination is predetermined, but after your departure the trains in the station will pickup their courses once again. No matter what stop you pick, there is going to be more. How do you know which part is the relevant part then? [Why not ask.]

Something or someone may know the path and perhaps the destination. Why then is it so hard to ask for directions? Someone has got to know what’s going on. But what do you do when no one does. It remains unfamiliar to who it is most important. Many more things become unclear when you stop understanding all of this. The more unclear things become the more it reminds you of why you’re on this path. Lately, … again, I’ve found I’m just not too sure what I’m doing here. It’s a constant thought, actually. One that makes me think I might be reckless, misguided and young.